Friday, March 18, 2011

One year on.

Let's have a little rewind...

On this day, three hundred and sixty days ago, I lost one of my biggest role models in my life to cancer.

My Grandma was a beautiful person. Kind natured, patient, adorable, in every sense of the word, she was an inspiration. And I loved the life out of her. There was hardly a day that went by without me going to visit her.

But on the fourth of December 2009, she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.

And then everything changed.

I cried a lot in the following months. Whether those tears were selfless or selfish is still widely debatable. I cried because I knew that she wasn't going to get to see her friends again, and that I wouldn't be able to hug her again, I cried when I thought of the pain she had to endure and the horrible moment when you walk through the front door of her house and have to prepare yourself for the worst...

It's not right. I don't wish that on anybody. My Mum and Dad's relationship were put under pressure because we would go over to my Grandma's at 6am every morning and stay there until about 10pm at night.

Around about February 2010, she became bed bound. She couldn't do anything for herself anymore. It was heartbreaking to see. A woman, once so active and full of life, being stripped of all the simple joys in life. Joys like the feeling of the sun on your skin, or the wind in your hair, even ones as simple as the beauty of flowers... she couldn't even make it to the window.

I wish that it was different, but it wasn't. 

During these four agonising months, I was in a very dark place. My friends would lie to me on a number of occasions, saying things like "She'll be fine" and "Doctor's are wrong all the time"... I think we all knew that the diagnosis was essentially, a death sentence. But what else are you meant to say in situations like that?

I always assumed that I would break down when I heard that Grandma died. I didn't. I hate crying in front of people, so I try to prevent it whenever possible.  My Mum just sat there with one of my Grandma's friends, and just told me that my Grandma had "passed away" at ten o'clock that morning.

In a way, there was this feeling of relief. Relief that she couldn't suffer anymore. Relief that she was with my Granda perhaps. Above all, relief for my Mum and her sanity. Grief dwarfs all feelings of relief, of course, that's natural, but the relief was still there, and I'll always feel guilty for that.

One year on, and I'm slowly coming out of the grieving process, thanks to the constant support from my Friends and my Family. I can't begin to explain how fantastic the people in my life are. Without them, god knows what would have happened. 

Before I stop blogging, I'd like to point out something:

The horrible price of human greed.

My Grandma's death could have been prevented by that... so could have your loved ones...

But cure's don't make money. 

Let the people keep their dreams of a cancer free existence. Let them donate their hard earned money to charities searching for a cure. But don't give them something that isn't profitable. Oh god no. That would be a tragedy.

I'd just like to ask you (If you are reading this, it is directed at you) to take the time to appreciate who you've got in your life right now. Whether it be Parent, Grandparent, Sibling, Friend, Foster parents, step parents, partners, boyfriend, Girlfriend, pet... whoever. Appreciate them all. 

Nothing lasts forever and eternity is but a dream.