Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but I suffer from something called cyclothymia, which is essentially a mild form of bipolar disorder, where my moods range from that of mania to depression. There will be times where I function on two or three hours sleep, working away on plans until 3am in the morning. Equally, there will be times where I will be lying in my bed in the foetal position at 5pm just trying to convince myself that the world isn't falling apart.
I'm not ashamed of my cyclothymia. But I find myself hiding it a lot of the time, because I don't want to subject people to these intense mood swings, and, let's face it, they are intense. February in particular. I'll be completely fine and then everything will turn around before I can even fully understand what's happening and suddenly, I'm on another low.
I'm well aware of the fact that I've been rather reclusive lately. There have been lots of nights planned recently that I have considered going to but ultimately said "I can't" to. And I feel as though that's true. I don't want to drag everyone else down by sitting quietly in the corner all night, moping about life, I don't want people who clearly don't know the first thing about mental disorders telling me to "cheer up", and I genuinely can't continue to pretend as though everything is fine, because it is one of the most exhausting things.
When I'm manic, I want to be around people. I want to hug onto people and not let go. And when I'm depressed? I want the complete opposite. I probably shouldn't be alone, but I feel as though being around people would just... not end well.
So that's why I haven't been updating the blog recently. Because just waking up in the morning the past few weeks have been difficult for me, and when I'm in that type of state, I literally can't write. Nothing. It just gets deleted or it makes me feel terrible about myself.
So... please, just understand that, for February at least, I might seem a little off to you. I might seem needy or distant or just plain apathetic. It'll pass. Just give me some space or a hug and all will be well again once more.
Sorry.
Lauren xxx
