Dying to be thin.

Here I am, once again, scouring the darkest corners of the internet for people openly discussing their deadly problems.


It's time to talk about pro Ana blogs.


It's heartbreaking stuff.


Most open up with their current weight, and it's not uncommon for some of these girls (or boys) to be around six stone. That's not a healthy weight in the slightest.


I read their words and I would really like to help them. I would like nothing more than to hug them and tell them that their beautiful. I would like to tell them that the voice inside their head is whispering lies, they are not fat. They are beautiful.


The cruel irony of anorexia is the fact that sufferers will do disgusting things to themselves to become what they deem to be 'beautiful', which, in most cases, means dangerously thin. Taking laxatives, making themselves sick, starvation... the list seems to go on and on.


People fail to realise that beauty is not a size. It cannot be measured in pounds and inches, it cannot be measured at all actually. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and everyone perceives beauty differently. It's these subtle differences that give us all our individuality and ensure that the world has at least one person to love us back, for who we are.

Let's face it, the odds of finding one person who loves you with all their heart for who you are, out of seven billion, is pretty high.


But anorexia sufferers often do not see this. Some have their eyes set on someone (usually a complete idiot that likes their girls to be as thin as bread sticks) and will use him as their 'thinspiration'. I am sorry, but if that guy cannot appreciate beauty in its most natural form (i.e. YOU), then that guy is not worth the time nor loss of calories. 


It's sickening how accessible sites are that help young girls and boys stick to their anorexic beliefs. The first page I came across, offered a list of suggestions on why it's "better to be skinnier":

"People will remember you as “the beautiful thin one”."

"Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite."

"When you start to get dizzy and weak you’re almost there"

"When you start to get dizzy and weak you're almost there"? You're almost where? In an early grave? Because that's what happens. You stop eating food, and you're body becomes desperate for energy. It wants you to eat, that's why you get hunger pains, dizziness and nausea. It's your body's way of telling you to eat. What happens if you ignore it? Your body uses up your own muscles and organs in desperation, because it has no other source of energy left. Believe what you will, but I find no beauty in starvation, no sex appeal in killing yourself for the 'perfect body'.

"The models that everyone claims are beautiful, the spitting image of perfection, are any of them fat? NO!"

This is what makes me upset. The sufferers are not to blame for their condition. Type "Super models" into google and what do you find? Page after page of skeletons. Perfection is not achievable. Striving for perfection is a dangerous aim.


The thing I find most depressing out of all of this? People actually listen to this blogger.


The site achieved in excess of one million views.


I'm actually at a loss for what to say to that. Genuinely, my heart sank upon viewing that number. To think, people listen to this person, believing that fat is a parasite, that they will be remembered as beautiful just because they are thin, that thin people live longer than fat people...

Newsflash: People are not committing suicide with every mouthful. If anything, you are committing suicide with every purge, skipped meal and laxative.


And you won't be remembered as "beautiful". You will be remembered as the tragic reminder of the dangers of our modern society. I am sorry, but those are the terrible, terrible facts. 

Reach out

Friends aren't helping friends out when they need them. 

It's just an observation I've made over the past few months. I can't really get my head around it... Why wouldn't you help your friend if their hurting? If they fell over and twisted their ankle, would you leave them on the floor? If they were drowning, would you not try to rescue them? If they were getting beat up, would you not try to intervene?
Why should emotional pain be taken any less seriously than physical pain?

A friend told me and another friend that she attempted to commit suicide last year. Casually, just added it into conversation. And do you want to know what my other friend did? 

He laughed.

And then, you see celebrities like Lily Allen, losing their babies, and people making jokes about it. What sort of evil human being does that? You may not know her personally, but she just lost her baby for god's sake. Show a little a respect.

You see countless tweets on twitter:

"Mega depressed for no reason. feel like everyone on twitter is just ignoring me.."

"I feel so empty right now.."

"Hate my mom. Hate my life! Wish i would just die now. Save me and everyone else the trouble."

No replies. Not one. 


If they tweeted about a film, or music, or even Peanut butter, they would have got a reply. They would have probably got a conversation.


But this is their life, this is their "selfish tweets" where they are just wanting "attention".


Well you know what? They are not selfish for wanting to be happy. They are not wanting attention. They are wanting to get rid of this mood that has been depressing them for god knows how long and, as a friend, or a follower, or a human being, it is your duty to help them out. 


I was really badly depressed for the past two Fridays (the mood broken only by a trip out with Halle and Ross) and I would tweet about it. Or at least, try to. 


I kept deleting words, letters, sentences... none of it made sense. Why was I feeling so bad? I don't know. Why don't you get help? I don't know. Why don't you just send that damn tweet and stop being such a wimp? That I do know.


I didn't want to be labelled as an emo.


I know the stigma... I'm not blind to society's evil nature. Their cruel, mistimed jokes. Their praying on the weak. Their praising the strong. I know of them. I don't want to feed their horrific obsession with gossip.


This blog is like my diary. You know that I will hide parts of my life from you, but I would never lie to you. I will try to tell you as much secrets as I can handle typing and you can handle knowing. But It's hard sometimes. Especially when it feels like no-one is listening.


307 followers. I think I got one reply.


And that's why, we all hide our emotions behind a smile. No-one cares.


Or at least, It feels that way.


So please. Please. If you see someone that seems to be in a bad mood, ask them what's wrong. Who knows, You might be able to make them feel better.


Restore my faith in humanity.

Tweet, update, post, snap, scream, shout, whisper, SAY SOMETHING.

I hate the internet.


Okay. That's a huge lie, I love the vastness of it, the immense load of information, the power of connectivity... I love it.


But, That being said, the internet can make a lot of people nervous, just as I am now.


I'm worried about her. 


I've wrote about her before. Mia. I think her name is Mia...


One of the 6 billion strangers on the planet that I have never met before in my life, and am highly likely to never meet in my life, but I feel responsible in some way for the girl's safety...


Aren't we all? If you are connected to someone online, isn't that, in some respects, like being connected in "real life"? Mia is going through heavy problems right now... Eating disorders, self harm, suicidal tendencies, and (I'm sure some people will care to disagree but if that's the case, keep your opinions to yourself) bravely blogs about them for the world to see.


That takes courage. I wish I could talk that openly about my problems to my friends... let alone the world.


She hasn't updated her blog since the 14th of December last year... 

"I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind."

She's tried to kill herself before... It's upsetting to see someone that seems so sweet and talented suffer in such a terrible way. I wish she'd get help.


Well... she got help actually. She has a psychiatrist, she's been in a mental institution, she's tried self control... None of it seems to work.


So I don't wish that she'd get help. I wish that she'd get better.


And I wish she would update that blog before I get sick with worry....


Reminds me a lot of Andrew's play for Advanced Higher art. A girl who blogged about her struggles with Anorexia. And the anorexic, male reader who used her as his inspiration, constantly waiting for a reply... constantly getting no response.


I hope that this girl hasn't met the same fate as the one in the play....


Is it our responsibility to help this girl? We read others blogs, tweets, status updates, tumblr updates, formspring questions, emails, texts and speak to eachother on MSN. But if you see someone who is clearly suffering, what do you do to help? Do you do ANYTHING to help?

Because it appears that most people choose to ignore them. Even if all they are needing is the knowledge that one person, one person out of six billion gives a damn.


Who knew, that in this age of constant interaction, one person could be so alone?

You are not alone.

I know a lot of people who have problems.


Who doesn't? We all have problems, only, some hide them better than others...


Should we hide our problems? Not at all. Our flaws, heartbreaks and problems are as much a part of us as our skills, passions and successes. You cannot have a solution without a problem, or a failure without a success. Yet our society doesn't like problems. We can't throw our hands up and say "I'm depressed" or "I'm anorexic" without someone assuming that you're weak or you're just doing it for attention.


Truth is, they're the brave ones. Admittedly, yes, 2% of all of those people who admit to their problems are just in it for the attention. Should we refuses to help the other 98% of those who do have problems just in case they are  merely attention seeking? No. If someone tells you that they are self harming, don't mutter "emo" or "They're only doing it for the attention" under your breath but treat it like it is, a condition that should be treated before it escalates into something much more serious. If someone tells you that they are anorexic, don't just stand there and tell them to wise up... Get. Them. Some. Help.


I just can't stress this enough. People are so self-obsessed these days, so selfish, that they won't even help their friends when they need them most. Well, they need you. You should listen to them. Sometimes it's just a stupid little fight with their boyfriend, or an argument with their Mum, other times, it's a drug addiction or suicidal thoughts. Just think, how guilty would you feel if something happened to them and you knew that you could have prevented it....


Doesn't bare thinking about, does it?


Who hasn't been in a roomful of people and felt all alone? Who hasn't smiled when all you want to do is break down and cry? Who hasn't been "involved" in a conversation when you haven't said a word? No-one. Everyone has smiled when they want to breakdown and cry. Everyone has been involved in a conversation where they have just sat there and listen. Everyone has been in a roomful of people and felt all alone. But...


You are not alone.


You may feel like you are the only one suffering in the world, you may feel like you are the only one who doesn't have a purpose, you may feel like you have no voice, no bravery, no talent but that's not true. Please don't let that voice in your head tell you otherwise.
There are over seven billion people in the world. That's seven billion faces that you will never meet. Seven billion voices that you will never hear. Seven billion problems that will not exist. To you. Those seven billion problems are very much there. Their pain is still very much real, despite you not being able to feel, hear or see it. You can't help anyone, but you can help yourselves. And you can help your loved ones.


As said, everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others.


So, If you can help someone with a problem, please do. No matter how small, or insignificant it is, you are helping someone. And that's one of the most fulfilling things that you can do with your life.


Just remember... whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your problems may be...


You are not alone.