Snail porn: hard and slow.

...

The hard part of snail porn being the shells, and the slow part being the creature's slow movements.

Who says snails can't be romantic?

That opening sentence goes without saying, right? Haha...

HYPOCRITICAL COMMENT ALERT:

You guys have a filthy mind, just filthy.

Hanging out at Megan's house on Friday gave me lots to write about, as usual! This time, I'm actually getting around to writing it.

Oh stop it!

...
I didn't actually mean for you to stop.

Megan walked her dog, Buddy, down to my house, and we ended up talking to my parents for like, an hour.

For some completely unknown reason, we began talking about ping pong shows.

You know, as you do.

For those unaware of the concept, ping pong shows are when women shoot ping pong balls (among other objects) from their vaginas. To the cheers of an applauding audience. Or an appalled audience, depending on how good the show's advertisers are at their jobs.

Which could be widely debatable.

DAD: What are ping pong shows?

ME (awkwardly): When women shoot ping pongs from their... *mimes what ping pong shows involve*

DAD: ... can you find them online?

Might have accidentally got my Dad into ping pong porn.

High five for the awesome alliterative end to that sentence.

Slap in the face for potentially getting my Dad into ping pong porn.

Believe it or not, that's not even the weirdest sexual deviation of the night, which genuinely does make me want to reevaluate my life and question why I've ended up with the world's percentage of weirdness.

Not complaining like, because weird makes for cool stories.

Anyway, Buddy has a gay lover... in the form of border terrier/yorkshire terrier mix Sunny.

He looks a little bit like this,

but with a curly tongue!

When Megan's family let Buddy out to play with Sunny, it was heart-warming to see the pair of them running around the dog owner's garden. They kept running around for half an hour. 

Puppy love, awwwww...

All beautiful and wholesome, that is, until Sunny attempts to hump Buddy's face.

It's a little bit uncomfortable watching a dog attempt to 69 another dog...

Wait, Buddy wasn't into it... did I witness a dog attempting to 6 another dog?

Oooh... my brain hurts. They just don't teach you this stuff in school.

To make matters worse, among all of the X-rated exploits the two pups were getting up to, Buddy managed to roll over in Sunny's poop.

So Buddy got shoved in a bathtub.

As Megan washed the mucky pup, she grabbed a razor and took it to the dog's fur as a joke:

ME: ... *clutches heart* Oh my God, I thought you were being serious!

MEGAN: Haha, no! 

That would be a terrible sight to see, I mean, who actually shaves their...

Oh, you poor creature.

Hazel just discovered that Gotye song. Or at least, she discovered one line of it.

She then took every opportunity she could find whilst driving to create dangerous situations, just so she could scream at the top of her voice:

HAZEL: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUT ME OFF!

Which brings us onto a new segment... in which situations is it deemed acceptable to sing Gotye's 'Somebody That I Used to Know'.

 When you witness dangerous driving

 When you're Van Gough's ear

 When you're at an award's ceremony with

Kanye West.

When you need to cut your arm off with

a switchblade after getting your arm stuck

between two rocks.

And finally, at Baskins and Robins.

Hazel called us to the living room to watch snail and slug porn.

What's that?

Yes, really.

HAZEL: *referring to 1.16* I would cut that off and hang it somewhere! That's beautiful.

Slug penis flowers... coming to an interior design shop near you.

Hazel pulled apart two snails having sex last week and her addiction to snail porn has been growing slightly more ferocious by the day.

...

There's just some things that you'd never thought you would have to say. That is definitely one of those things.

Lauren xxx