This is absolutely no exception when it comes to Heather's (a.k.a my number one homo) birthday.
My Dad drove me and Chloe down to the beach at about quarter to seven (we were supposed to be meeting them at quarter past seven) so we were just chilling out in the just above freezing temperatures, deciding what we were going to order later on that night.
ME: I want an Aztec JAM-BAL-A-YAAAAAH!
CHLOE: *Looking on menu* What's that?
ME: I don't know, but it's fun to say! I wouldn't mind ordering a 'Big Mexican Cowboy burger'... I'll just order a 'Big Mexican Cowboy' and when they put a burger on the table, I'll just say "Umm... this is not what I ordered."The rest of the gang arrived not too long after we did... apart from Lauren, who arrived at five past seven. When we gave her into trouble for this, she replied defensively:
LAUREN: What time were we meant to meet here? QUARTER PAST SEVEN!
CHLOE: What time is it now?
LAUREN: Five past seven!Lauren then began to look through her bag:
HEATHER: *pointing at what looked like sellotape* What's that?
LAUREN: Boob tape. Y'never know when you'll need it!Then a "who's oldest" talk took place:
PAIGE: I am!
LAUREN: Party!
HEATHER: Tea party.
LAUREN: Fill your cup with tea instead of booze *laughs*
HEATHER: Fill your cup with booze instead of tea!
ME: But then it's not a tea party.... It's a tea party party?When we sat down, I realised straightaway that the table we were given would end in disaster...
This was mainly due to the fact that me and Chloe we sitting opposite from eachother and there was a pile of balloons over at our side of the table...
And, after knowing Chloe for about a decade, she did exactly what I expected her to do... and hit me over the head with a balloon.
I did this back to her.
This went back and forth all night until...
I tried to hit Chloe, but I got the wrong one, hitting Chloe Skene over the head with the balloon, before the balloons unhooked themselves from the pepper mill and began floating away.
My face when I realised what just happened.
Chloe still persisted in hitting the balloons, resulting in me having to stretch up and catch them every time she did so.
Lauren then hooked a balloon to herself so she could 'slyly' steal it at the end of the night.
Perhaps Lauren doesn't do sly, but she sure as hell does smooth.
PAIGE: I'd like a flat bread please.
WAITER: Garlic or cheese?
PAIGE: Garlic please.
LAUREN: *Putting on a voice* She doesn't like cheeeese.Heather, who was away to drink some of her IRN BRU from out of the bottle, now hovers her bottle in front of her lips, making it look like...
ME: Heather... why are you giving your IRN BRU bottle a blow-job?
HEATHER: Lauren and her "She doesn't like cheeeese". What was that voice!?
LAUREN: My sexy voice *grins*This sexual assault carried on all night.
LAUREN: Hey, what's your name?
WAITER: My name?
LAUREN: Umm... yeah.
WAITER: Simon.There were lots of 'Simon says' jokes that night.
Whilst we were waiting for our food, Heather opened her presents. Lauren gave her an oddly shaped package.
LAUREN: I've got a little story behind this present! I was passing by Anne Summers...
*Everyone groans and then laughs, Heather begins to unwrap in nervously, with a hint of paranoia about her*
HEATHER: You didn't!
LAUREN: Well, I'm not old enough to buy it in there, so I got the next best thing.Heather then opens the end of the present to reveal... a cucumber.
It could have been so much more awkward.
HEATHER: I could always go up and ask the Chef to cut it up for me.
ME: "Wanna slice my cucumber?"Simon then comes over to the table, points at Heather and mouths "What's her name?"
Paige mouths back "Heather".
PAIGE: When they start singing, sing "Heather" really loudly...
LAUREN: They'll have got it right!
PAIGE: No, they'll probably start singing "Barbara" or something!
ME: What would happen if they started singing it to the wrong person? Would they just re-direct it the person it's meant to be sung to, start again or just leave it?
CHLOE: *starting at the end of Happy Birthday* Oh... um... *pretends she's turning to another person* Happy Birthdaaaay...Paige wasn't sold that they were going to sing the right name however.
PAIGE: They are probably going to be singing 'Leather' or 'Weather'...
ME: Happy Birthday to Leather! *Looks up at sky* R.I.P cows.
CHLOE: Did you just call her a cow?
ME: * Panicking now* No!
HEATHER: Haha, "Come lie on me!"
EVERYONE: What?
CHLOE: COW, not couch!
HEATHER: Oh!
At least they are related...
Phonetically, you can't spell couch without cow.
Luckily enough, when they came out, they sang perfectly and didn't mess up when it came to Heather's name.
The same couldn't be said about Heather's cake cutting capability.
CHLOE: What is she doing?Heather got a cute wee circular cake with a present on it... well, the present was immediately cut in half. And then she started cutting blocks off of each half, instead of slices.
CHLOE: It's a circular cake. You don't cut it like that!
HEATHER: This is how I cut cakes!
CHLOE: Can you imagine her at her wedding? Her Husband's cutting slices off of the cake and she's just like "Wait a minute! I'm doing my blocks!"
ME: Heather's passing everyone out a piece of cake and they are all just staring at it in shock.After we had finished slagging Heather off for her cake cutting, we were ready to pay the bill and part way with our beloved Simon.
But not before Lauren made her smoothest move of the night...
She grabbed a napkin and a pen and began reading from her phone suspiciously.
HEATHER: What ar... is that my number?
LAUREN: *Grins* Maybe!
HEATHER: Ahh, go for it! You only live once!Lauren continues writing the number, she quickly leans upon it and smiles at Simon as he walks by.
They put a slice of cake on the napkin and give it to them as they pass by him. We look back to see Simon smiling delightfully as he realises he's just scored a number. He shows one of his colleagues proudly.
We then had a play in Codonas, pretending to be motorcyclists on one of the simulation machines (I fell off of it) and sucking helium...
Lauren sang happy Birthday to Heather whilst on helium, Heather sucked the entire balloon and it made absolutely no difference... d'aaaw.
At the end of the night, me and Chloe witnessed a man and a woman having a 'fight', resulting in her tossing popcorn all over him. It landed on the road.
ME: Would it be completely unacceptable to lick that off the ground?
CHLOE: Yes.
ME: I'm going to do it anyways *gets up and walks half way over to the popcorn*
CHLOE: No! People are watching!
ME: I wouldn't actually do it!
A car then squished all of the popcorn.
ME: NOOOOOOOOOO!People coming out from one of the screenings stare.
ME: *clears throat* Evening...It's nights like these that make me grin from ear to ear :)
I'm so lucky to have these wonderful girlies in my life, even though I don't get to see them very often.
Lauren xxx
